Anonymous Story #28

I have misophonia. It is a mental disease that not many have heard of, and it affects very few people. However, I happen to have a very severe case of it.

Misophonia is a sound-related anxiety disorder similar to post traumatic stress syndrome. For example, when I hear a certain sound, it causes a VERY intense panic/anxiety attack that includes stress and anger. Let me be clear. This is NOT me being annoyed with certain sounds like pencil tapping or gum smacking. This reaction goes beyond annoyance, and instead triggers a “fight or flight” response, similar to a response those with PTSD experience. I have the urge to literally run away from the person or thing making the trigger noise. And these triggers are around me everyday—at school, at home, and with friends. To show you how common they are I will name a few: chewing loudly, breathing, snoring, gum smacking, nail biting… (the list goes on).  It has gotten to a point where I am very afraid and stressed to leave the isolation of my own room because I do not want to surround myself with noises that will make me have a panic attack.

I have lashed out at family and friends multiple times during these attacks, because anger is a large component of the illness. There is a lot of guilt and regret that comes with this illness because of it. For years my parents just thought I was rude and mean because of the things I said or did. I have trouble in school oftentimes, because I will be having these attacks during class and it is hard to focus. I’ve had to miss classes. I’ve ruined relationships. All because of sounds.

I live in constant fear. I know it sounds silly, to be afraid of hearing certain noises. But everyday I’m afraid of being somewhere where I will begin to have a panic attack and I will not be able to leave the area where the sound is. More and more sounds have started to affect me, and I am afraid that within a few years there will be very few noises that affect me, and I will not be able to leave my house without a panic attack.

But here is the worst part. Unlike depression, or some other forms of anxiety, misophonia does not have the potential to get better or to go away at all.  In fact, it only gets worse. And this is hard for me to imagine, because it already affects my daily life so much. It feels like the next step for me is complete isolation from the world, and at times I feel very hopeless and sad about my situation. I feel as though I am dealing with depression, anxiety, and anger problems all rolled into one. I am on anxiety medication, and I see a therapist, but things are still not looking up. It is hard to know that I have an illness that has never been beat. There are no videos of people telling me “it gets better”. There are no success stories. No one saying that it can be beat. The articles and stories I read online say that the illness leads to isolation, and at times I believe that that is my future.

I try not to let this all show on the outside. The only people that know of my condition are my parents and my therapist. And sadly, the only reason I do this is because I believe people will laugh at me when I tell them that I have panic attacks from specific noises. I’m afraid they will not believe me, or will not take me seriously. And if you don’t believe me either, then I guess that’s ok. I would understand. Not many have heard of misophonia. But I do hope you take something away from my story. Never tell someone that what they are dealing with is not real. Just because they have an illness that you haven’t heard of, or that it sounds ridiculous, it does not mean they are not genuinely struggling. Half the battle of dealing with misophonia is knowing that not many can sympathize with me, or are willing to take me seriously. Just know that everyone has their own battles. Even if they sound ridiculous to you, it does not mean that someone isn’t fighting them every day.

Anonymous Story #27

I was a fat kid.

I was reminded of this fact at every mirror that caught my glance. Every name I was called. Every step that I took. Everyday, week after week, month after month,year after year. I had been living my life this way for as long as I could remember, my body tormented by an elusive metabolic illness. One that still has yet to be solved today. However, I could not wait for a cure. All I wanted was normal, and normal meant thin. 

It only took 14 years for me to realize that I controlled what I ate, and therefore what I looked like, what people thought of me, how many people loved me. At the age of 14, food was my enemy. I began restricting, ever so slightly at the beginning, yet it was something that I controlled. I loved control as much as I wanted to be thin. Exercise only added to this new thrill. I had found new comfort and a new friend.

By 15, despite my efforts in restricting and exercising my weight had barely budged. Depression quickly ensued, only to be cured by the affection of more restriction and exercise. I knew I could be better; thinner. A year of restricting and measurements lead to speedy results.

At the age of 16, I had reached my goal weight. I was happy for once with the way I looked. At that, I began to undo the enemy I had made food out to be. I restricted still, but less. And shortly after this fatal mistake, all my work was becoming undone, the pounds were flying back, along with the rejection, hatred, and depression. I began to restrict more than ever. What food I was pressured to eat was promptly purged. After some months of participating in this behavior, my weight still would not come down from the height it had soared up to. Then, one doctor's visit sent me to the ER, with a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, followed by an ED inpatient program. 

I still disliked myself and the doctors wanted to put more weight back on me. I physically recovered with a meal plan, one that was sent home under a dietitian's orders. After another month of following a weight maintenance plan my weight only kept climbing. My dietitian was clueless. I hated myself once again. I was angry at myself and 
the people who tried to help me. Recovery is no option for me at the moment, but I hope to see a day when it is. I starve. I purge. I yearn. This is where I am today.

Also, I am male. No one suspects an ED with males, making it easy to use ED behaviors in broad daylight. But amidst my ED, is my immense suffering. I go through each day suffering and starving in front of people. None except my doctors know of my problems. I am also a closeted bisexual, which complicates things horrifically. All those I know and love would reject me if they knew who I truly was. They discuss their hatred of "those types of people" to my face. And I suffer in silence once again.

Today was the day of my 17th birthday, This marks my third account of sitting through my birthday dinner with gum in my mouth; the third account of rejecting my own birthday cake; the third account of passively watching people celebrate me, something I cannot give myself good reason for. I am writing this with tears in my eyes and
am doing so not just to get stuff off of my chest, but as a message to anyone who can relate to what I have been through, the pain and silent suffering. I encourage you to do not what I do, and be not who I am: a coward suffering in silence. I encourage you to use your voice and be brave, and most importantly enjoy life.

Anonymous Story #26

It started when I was 8. I didn't know it was wrong until my brother found out. I started masturbating when I was 8. When I was 10, I started watching porn. When I was 13, I started masturbating every week. When I was 16, I masturbated every day. Now, I'm bleeding. I'm scared. It's so wrong, but feels so good. How can I be such a monster? I'm disgusted by myself. I can't tell my friends...how would they think of me when they knew? To them, I'll be a sick whore. I'm so ashamed of myself. Now that I've gone too far and started bleeding, I've vowed to myself that I won't do it again. I can't bare to even look back. But I've broken that rule. I relapsed. I'm ashamed. No one will ever understand. How can a girl be addicted to masturbating? How can she be so gross? To you, I'm a nasty girl that does nasty things. How can you understand? How can anyone understand? No one will ever understand. No one, because it's frowned up. I hang my head in shame. To my best friend, I'm sorry that I could never tell you this. It's one thing that I will never let you find out. To my parents, I'm sorry that I'm a failure as a daughter. I'm sorry that I can't be as smart as you want me to be. To my sister, I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you this. I'm too ashamed to say it. And finally, to myself. You're a dumb idiot. This is all your fault. I'm sorry world. 

Lets talk about Sex

... Or more accurately, when it is not okay to have sex with a person.

It is NEVER okay to have sex with someone who does not give consent.

It is NEVER okay to have sex with someone who is unconscious for WHATEVER REASON

It is NEVER okay to have sex with someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as they cannot legally give consent

NEVER use "blue balls" as a way to guilt trip someone. NEVER guilt trip someone into sex in anyway, including but not limited too saying he/she is a  "tease" and he/she "led you on."

NEVER force someone to do something with you sexually that he or she is not comfortable with.

ALWAYS ask if it's okay first. Prior consent doesn't mean it's okay now.

ALWAYS respect the person's boundaries and wishes (i.e if the person asks you to stop, STOP)

ALWAYS wear protection. Any kind of protection works, but remember, birth control pills or shots may stop conception but they do not stop STDs. 

To have or not to have sex must be a mutual decision between two people (or more if that's what you all are okay with). If it isn't mutual, it is rape. Rape isn't just some strange person grabbing you and forcing you to have sex. It could be a friend, a relative, a coworker, a neighbor, etc. And it is rape or sexual molestation if consent is not given, or if the person said yes at first but then said no and you proceeded anyway. 

Sexual assault of any kind is extremely damaging to a person's psyche. And it is such an easy crime to avoid. Not the victims, but the perpetrators. There is NEVER an excuse to rape someone. Follow the golden rule, treat others as you would want to be treated, and we'll all be okay. 

NO ONE has the right to another person's body. I don't care if you're male, female, agender, transgender, or any other way you might identify. 

ASK AND RESPECT THE ANSWER. It isn't that difficult. No does and always will mean no. 

If you are a victim of sexual assault, ANY DEGREE OF SEXUAL ASSAULT IS EQUALLY VALID. You have a right to feel pain, you have a right to get justice, and you have a right to get help. You deserve help and you are a worthwhile person. Just because someone didn't realize how precious you are, doesn't make you less so. There is no shame in being assaulted. You have done nothing wrong and you did not deserve it. You were not asking for it. Don't let anyone else's lies destroy you. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity no matter what. Please, ask for the help you deserve. 

Call 1.800.656.HOPE (national sexual assault hotline). 

Respect

In light of recent events (the shootings and stabbings of women because they rejected someone, and that's only what's been happening in America), I thought it'd be a good idea to talk about respect.

Respect is asking someone what they think and then listening to the answer.
Respect is keeping a promise.
Respect is being a confidant when needed and not spreading secrets.
Respect is asking for permission before doing something.
Respect is being honest.
Respect is honoring a person's choice and trusting their judgment.
Respect is offering advice when asked, but not forcing an opinion.
Respect is letting a person believe what they want to believe.
Respect is listening to what a person says.
Respect is treating a person as an equal.
Respect is responding well  to what a person asks you to do or not to do, and following their request if appropriate.
Respect is allowing a person to disagree or disappoint you and still not doing anything to hurt him or her.
Respect is never intentionally hurting someone.
Respect is never judging a person because he or she is different.
Respect is letting a person be him or herself.
Respect is admiring a person for who they are.
Respect is honoring a person's life as a precious thing, and trying to be a good presence in it.
Respect is, and always will be, a vital part of love and life.

Purging.

A lot of people don't think they're good enough just as they are. And they are desperately looking for a way to change themselves. So many of them fall in the direction of an eating disorder. Whether it be anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, or eating disorder not otherwise specified, all eating disorders are serious, and all behaviors are dangerous. But lets talk about purging for a second.

To purge in itself is to get rid of something, to purify, to cleanse. So, someone with an eating disorder does something to get rid of calories normally. Forcible vomiting and excessive exercise are the most common forms a purging.

But listen. In the moment, when you having an eating disorder, purging feels right. But in reality it does so much damage. Physically, organs get seriously damaged by vomiting, and excessive exercise can cause problems with the heart and damage the body as a whole.

But even more importantly, it just increases the negative thoughts. By doing what the thoughts say, it reinforces the false idea that what the thoughts say are true.

What your mind says to you is NOT true. Whoever you are, whatever you're going through, you are worth so much more. You are beautiful and you matter to the world so much more than you think you do. You don't need to change what you look like, you don't need to change who you are. You're absolutely perfect just the way you are. And you are loved. Never forget it.

Stay strong.

And check out this video, if you need any more convincing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWN8059KBq4