Anonymous Story #28

I have misophonia. It is a mental disease that not many have heard of, and it affects very few people. However, I happen to have a very severe case of it.

Misophonia is a sound-related anxiety disorder similar to post traumatic stress syndrome. For example, when I hear a certain sound, it causes a VERY intense panic/anxiety attack that includes stress and anger. Let me be clear. This is NOT me being annoyed with certain sounds like pencil tapping or gum smacking. This reaction goes beyond annoyance, and instead triggers a “fight or flight” response, similar to a response those with PTSD experience. I have the urge to literally run away from the person or thing making the trigger noise. And these triggers are around me everyday—at school, at home, and with friends. To show you how common they are I will name a few: chewing loudly, breathing, snoring, gum smacking, nail biting… (the list goes on).  It has gotten to a point where I am very afraid and stressed to leave the isolation of my own room because I do not want to surround myself with noises that will make me have a panic attack.

I have lashed out at family and friends multiple times during these attacks, because anger is a large component of the illness. There is a lot of guilt and regret that comes with this illness because of it. For years my parents just thought I was rude and mean because of the things I said or did. I have trouble in school oftentimes, because I will be having these attacks during class and it is hard to focus. I’ve had to miss classes. I’ve ruined relationships. All because of sounds.

I live in constant fear. I know it sounds silly, to be afraid of hearing certain noises. But everyday I’m afraid of being somewhere where I will begin to have a panic attack and I will not be able to leave the area where the sound is. More and more sounds have started to affect me, and I am afraid that within a few years there will be very few noises that affect me, and I will not be able to leave my house without a panic attack.

But here is the worst part. Unlike depression, or some other forms of anxiety, misophonia does not have the potential to get better or to go away at all.  In fact, it only gets worse. And this is hard for me to imagine, because it already affects my daily life so much. It feels like the next step for me is complete isolation from the world, and at times I feel very hopeless and sad about my situation. I feel as though I am dealing with depression, anxiety, and anger problems all rolled into one. I am on anxiety medication, and I see a therapist, but things are still not looking up. It is hard to know that I have an illness that has never been beat. There are no videos of people telling me “it gets better”. There are no success stories. No one saying that it can be beat. The articles and stories I read online say that the illness leads to isolation, and at times I believe that that is my future.

I try not to let this all show on the outside. The only people that know of my condition are my parents and my therapist. And sadly, the only reason I do this is because I believe people will laugh at me when I tell them that I have panic attacks from specific noises. I’m afraid they will not believe me, or will not take me seriously. And if you don’t believe me either, then I guess that’s ok. I would understand. Not many have heard of misophonia. But I do hope you take something away from my story. Never tell someone that what they are dealing with is not real. Just because they have an illness that you haven’t heard of, or that it sounds ridiculous, it does not mean they are not genuinely struggling. Half the battle of dealing with misophonia is knowing that not many can sympathize with me, or are willing to take me seriously. Just know that everyone has their own battles. Even if they sound ridiculous to you, it does not mean that someone isn’t fighting them every day.