As humans, we tend to lean on people that we love, and become dependent of co-dependent on their love and support. It feels safe. It feels comfortable. Knowing you have something to fall back on is one of the best feelings in the world, and I strongly believe that is how a lot of the greatest people in the world became great: they had that knowledge of the support around them, so they felt comfortable jumping forward.
But that great support, that safety, it only is helpful if it's genuine. If it comes from a place of love, a place a compassion, a place of deep caring for the other person's well being, then it's fantastic. But if it's not genuine, it's more damaging than not having it at all. It's like offering someone who fell down a well a rope to climb up, but then snapping the rope when they're half way up. They end up more injured than they were before, and unlikely to trust the next rope that comes along. In some ways, that describes abusive relationships.
So many beautiful people everyday are abused by the people they love. They are taken advantage of, disrespected, physically and/or emotionally hurt... and they tend to stay in that situation for a while. NOT because they are stupid. But because it's hard to leave. Because it feels safe, it feels comfortable. Maybe they are a little naive, thinking "it won't happen again" or maybe they just don't know what a healthy relationship can be like. And a lot of the time it might be confusing, because the abuser might be amazing for a day, and then be horrible and scary the next day. Maybe they are insecure and/or don't believe they are worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. But NO ONE deserves to be in an abusive relationship.
The abusers themselves may have only had experience with abusive relationships. It's that gift that keeps on giving. They may be sub-consciously trying to get back at the people who abused them, or maybe they're trying to earn forgiveness, but they aren't sure how to do that. Abusers get cast in a bad light for obvious reasons. But they are often just as needing of emotional support as the abused. Everyone has their problems. And they all need help getting through it. Even if they did some awful things, they still deserve help.
Here's what relationships SHOULD be like:
- They should make both people happy
- They should involve compromise
- They should help both people discover more about themselves and become more independent
- They should be based off of mutual respect and trust and love
- They should have their ups and downs, but those ups and downs can be resolved with mutual effort
- They should be that thing that they can fall back on
- They should feel safe, comfortable, and enjoyable.
If a relationship makes either person feel insecure, unsafe, dependent, or lacking in some way or another, that is a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes relationships can be healthy eventually, they just need some work. But abusive relationships will not get better. It's best to just move on.
If you or someone you know is or might be in an abusive relationship, please TELL SOMEONE. Get help. And be safe. You deserve it. Abusive relationships are extremely damaging, even if they abuse is not physical. Please get the help you deserve. You can go to a friend, family member, co-worker, boss, teacher, social worker, call the hotline, etc. The list goes on. Get the help you need.
1-800-799-SAFE
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