Anonymous Story #8

1    My name is Kerry, I am a 23 year old girl who has struggled with an eating disorder. It all started when I was young and having no control in my life. My parents made all my decisions, from school, who I was allowed to hang out with, to what sports I would play. Nothing was my choice. I didn’t no any other way of life, I just knew my job was to do what I was told to do and be happy. The sad part was, I was never truly happy or myself. I have always just lived a life that my parents thought was best for me. When I was 19 years old I got pregnant by my first boyfriend. All hell broke loose in my house, my parents were disgusted and I was called every name in the book. I was their slutty daughter who got knocked up. I was a disgrace to the family.

Being 19 and pregnant, I was already scared and terrified, but my parent’s reaction did not help at all. I thought we were a conservative and devoted catholic family… Yet I was so wrong. My parents told me I was so have an abortion and to never tell anyone about it. I had yet again no choice in what I was to do with my unborn child. They told me my life was over, I would never finish school, or go anywhere in life. They said abortion was my only option. Having no voice, I did what I was told. I was a wreck I wanted that baby so badly, and love that child to this day. I went in and out of the hospital with pains and very sick. Soon to find out that it was an Ectopic Pregnancy. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when the egg is stuck inside the fallopian tube. I had to have an emergency termination because I was internally bleeding. I thank the lord that he saved that baby that day and took him or her to heaven that way instead of having to know I killed the baby because of my parents. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I will one day be reunited with my child in Heaven.

That sad event in my life has stuck with me to this day, I have always wanted control in my life, but have never been able to find my voice. I always knew my body was the one thing that I was able to have control over. I began working out. This was my escape and my passion. Biking, running, hiking, and lifting weights, became my life. This is also when my eating disorder took off. I began exercising to relieve stress. I had lots of stress to relieve, so that meant a lot of exercising. I would exercise hours upon hours a day. I loved it, I loved seeing the changes in my body, and getting noticed by others for how I looked. I felt I accomplished something on my own and it was noticed. I was PROUD of how my hard work paid off.

Although to some people I was still not good enough, this is when Norm changed how I viewed myself. Who is Norm? He is a complete ASSHOLE! He is a personal trainer at my old gym. I will never step a foot in the place again. He would see me working out every damn day for hours. Yet, would tell me all the things I had to change to look skinnier and stronger. I thought I was finally happy with my body, I had muscles, a six-pack and I was confident. But, not for long. Norm would tell me I needed to work on my stomach area more and my butt, it wasn’t perky enough, he would say. Fuck him, this made me so angry, and my Eating Disorder became stronger.

I worked out so hard after that, I wanted to show him I can be good enough. I was now working out about three or four hours a day. I was miserable; I just wanted to be accepted for me. I was never good enough. I began taking laxatives and obsessing about what I ate and how much I ate. I wanted all the fat off me, I wanted to disappear. I was able to be away from Norm, because I was back at school in Michigan. Although his words were so deeply embedded in my brain, I kept working my ass off harder and harder. I dropped a huge amount of weight very fast, I was happy I knew I could get the fat off me. But that wasn’t good enough and I kept exercising and not eating and exercising more. I could no longer function. Showering in the morning was a hard thing to do, because I had no strength to stand up for that long and lift my arms up. I drank lots of coffee, diet coke, and laxatives. Food, that didn’t happen. I would only eat the bare minimal just enough to give me energy to get to the gym and I was done. I could no longer sit through a full class without almost passing out or feeling very dizzy. My eyes are always blurry and the headaches were always there.

I became very irritable and would lash out at anyone who would get on my nerves just a little. I was a miserable person to be around. Although one person was with me through it all, my amazing boyfriend. Mark would hold me in his arms when I would just stand in the mirror and cry for hours. He never lost faith in me; he knew one day I would get better and that I needed help. I didn’t think I needed help at first. I just wanted to keep losing more.

In February of 2013, I realized I was sick of being sick, I was sick of crying, sick of people, and sick of not loving myself. I called home and told my family what was going on. They were in shock; they came up the next day and brought me to the doctor on campus. There I was in a room getting test after tests done one me. They were all very scared for me and was advised to go home and get help in a structured facility immediately.

That next week, I was a patient at Linden Oaks hospital. I like to call this place, My Savior. The people here saved me, I wanted to get better, so I did what I was told. We followed a strict meal plan, and went to different Group therapy sessions during the day. I loved it. Yes at times it was very hard. But I knew I was going to get better, I knew I was going to be listened to, and I knew one day everything will be okay. Knowing that others were in the same boat as me made me feel safe and accepted. My therapist and Dietician had faith in me they knew I was going to be successful in treatment. I didn’t want to let them down, I worked hard, I used the skills that I have learned. And today I am on my road to recovery. I have my good and bad days, but I just focus on the positives and know that tomorrow is always a new day and one step closer to recovery.

I am now able to voice my opinion to my family, stand up for my beliefs and it feels amazing. I thank the patients and the staff of Linden Oaks on helping me find myself. I will not let ED take over my life. I am learning that there are other attributes about myself that are worth people loving other than just my body. I am not letting people get to know the real Kerry. Not the disordered Kerry. I am a strong woman, and a loving person who has a lot to offer in life.