For me it started winter of freshman year 2011.
Growing up I was always one of the bigger girls especially surrounded by so
many girls who were "perfect" (something which I am still learning
today is not true), and it always bothered me, and once the boy who I had liked
for 6 years said I was fat and ugly I started to believe it. And My last year
of middle was filled with anxiety and uncertainty and I felt like I was losing
control of everything. My friends, my life, my family.
And freshman year, I too
was thrown into a life that I was so unaccustomed too. And when I felt like I
was losing control or being put down by my friends I turned to binging and
purging. At first it seemed so harmless and easy. But I soon learned it was not
the case. So a month or two later i turned to an old friend of mine to help,
and she told me just stop its not that hard and shrugged it off. She didn't
understand. And so it continued and I continuously would tell myself its fine
and I would be fine.
Summer of 2012 I turned from binging and purging as a
sense of comfort, to calorie counting and excessive exercise. And became
addicted to website promoting Eds and thin-ness. My mother and brother have
always been a bit heavy and my sister too was gaining weight. And in my family,
gaining weight was a bad thin and that I shouldn't gain anything and so my
summer diet went unnoticed.
Sophmore year came around and I was fine for a few
weeks and getting better on my own. My family had no idea what was going on,
and neither did my friends. But then I once again hit a low. My parents where
obsessing over my brother and sister and there medical school, and my sisters
small weight gain. I felt so unnoticed. And I was again turned to purging as a
sense of comfort. And I learned even more how a heavy weight was so excepted in
my family when my mom and brother joined weight watchers. Later in the year, I
met a boy. Someone so special and close, someone I thought I could be with
forever. And soon enough I opened up to him. He was confused and lost and
didn't understand. but there was one thing he did understand. He wanted to help
me get better. He tried so hard and all I would do is shut him out and refuse
help. I was completely in denial of the whole situation. He seemed to lose
faith that I could stop and so I tried harder to stop. And I could go maybe a
week or two. But then I'd break down and the process would start again. And
during this period of time I was called so many names like asshole, bitch,
slut, ect. And it only further deteriorated the small self esteem I had left.
I've occasionally turned to self harm, and would right those words in pen on my
arm and stomach. That boy has since then understood it is a long hard process
full of ups and downs and promised to stay with me through it all no matter
what. I kept trying, and he soon began giving me the idea about getting help. I
was just too scared, and still today I'm scared. But I have opened up to a few
more people and those people are the ones who are helping me.
However, they are
not the ones savings me. I am saving myselft. Even though I am still having the
behaviors of Bulima, and still even though my parents and family do not know
yet I am still on the verge to recovery. I've been hurt by words, felt like I
have no control, and have always been afraid of gaining weight and not being
loved because of it. And all these emotions have led to the decisions I've
made. But now I am realising dwelling in those few moments of pain, shouldn't
have to take away the enjoyment I do have like friends or activities. The pain
and confusion of this ED, are not worth the future achievements life gives us.
And even though I, like many others, still have behaviors of bulimia, looking
for help is the greatest step anyone can have in the fight to reach recovery.
And for me, opening up to a friend or parent has been my savior. Now its up to
me to complete the path with them by my side. Stay strong to everyone out there
who are too following this journey.
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