Anonymous Story #7

1.       I have always been a self-conscious person. When I was little I would pinch my fat and compare myself to everyone else. Any mean thing anyone said to me would resonate in my mind for months to come. But I never did anything about that. Until middle school began, I seemed like a normal child, who ate meals, snacks, and always had seconds. But the low self esteem was there. When middle school began, so did the diets. They always failed, and I was always disappointed. Until my 7th grade year I decided to do something so horrible. I told myself there was no point in feeding your body, because eventually you will become hungry again. And that started the horrible plummet to the second lowest place I have ever been in my life. My parents had no idea what to do, so they would force feed me every day. This was very traumatizing for me for obvious reasons. As I gradually restored the thoughts got worse. "You are fat" "You have no reason to live" "no one will ever love you again" 
I was apparently healthy, but on the inside I was fighting demons...and I was losing. Another year passed, and I reached my lowest place in my life, weight wise, health wise, mentality wise. I just wanted it to end. The pain the suffering. My bones protruded from my skin, yet I couldn't see anything but fat. When my parents put my impatient, I remember crying hystericly the night after, because I was sure my weight had doubled after one day of normalized eating. I couldn't even put on lotion like I did every night because I could feel the "fat" that didn't exist. but things only got better from there. I learned about distortions, and talking back to the thoughts. I forced myself to eat hard foods like pizza, chips, ice cream and more. I chugged my ensures, gagged down my benecals and I was riding high. My thoughts were still there, but I stopped lingering over them. I became obsessed with other things, like making people laugh, boys, school, cello. I know I changed so much within the first week there. I laughed, I talked, I skipped. I was so happy. Suddenly, when I ate, and I was controlling my recovery, I wanted to get better. I wanted this unknown happiness I was getting a glimpse of. When I was discharged, I did not go back to behaviors. I still eat all my meal plan, and I have done so good that my dietician has started taking me off things. Sometimes I feel scared if I am eating a fear food, but I try to enjoy, and afterwards I feel accomplished. I am so happy now, and I never want to go back. Looking back at photos before during and now, I looked beautiful in 6th grade. I wish I could go back to then, and tell myself how gorgeous I am. The photos of during my lows were disgusting. I cannot believe how distorted my thoughts were. Now, my photos are healthy. If I said I liked how I look I would be lieing. But they are pictures of me where I need to be. I am working towards the day where I can take a pic and smile at how beautiful I would think I look. Rachel