Anonymous Story #15

Anyone out there may be suffering.  I don’t wish to seek pity out of this, but rather inform and hopefully inspire some to get help.

It all began years ago in junior high, and maybe even earlier.  I’m currently a junior in high school, so these issues have been hanging over me for years.  I recently sought out help.  If anything is bothering you now, please seek help.  It could save your life like it saved mine.

Like I said, it began around in junior high.  I was attending a new school in 6th grade.  At the beginning of the year, my grandma died, and then a few months later, my great-grandpa passed.  I spiraled down into a deep depression.  I didn’t have a lot of friends and the few “friends” that I had ridiculed me and didn’t treat me well.  I was constantly bullied for trying to hang out with the popular kids.  I got called names like “gay” and “faggot” and it always bothered me.

In 7th grade, the depression only got worse as I had lost all of my friends.  I began having suicidal tendencies.  I was still getting bullied and I couldn’t stand it any longer.  On top of all of this, many people in my town had been committing suicide.  There was about 3 or 4 suicides that year.  For a town of just under 8,000, that’s quite a few.  I contemplated it every single day.  I don’t know what held me back.  I got involved with the school’s academic team.  Even there I didn’t feel accepted.  People called me a “nerd” for knowing too much and the older kids told me that all us 7th graders were not going to do well next year without them.  They told us we couldn’t win the big tournament at the end of the season.  I felt worthless.  The kids at my lunch table always bullied me and told me to “go away” and that “nobody likes you.”  I believed them after a while.  I tried track and fitting in with those kids.  These were the same popular kids that I had convinced myself that I should be friends with.  I was slow and I always got called “fat” and felt like a total loser.

The next year, I was still struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies, but it had died down a little bit.  The bullying was still there.  It got so bad that I got punched in the face when I had braces and my mouth bled for an entire day.  I also struggled with anorexia briefly in 8th grade.  I refused to eat lunch, because the kids at my table just made fun of me the entire time.  I didn’t feel worthy.  I had found a few friends that accepted me more than the popular kids, although I still tried doing track again.  These kids were on the academic team also and we proved the previous 8th graders wrong when we won that tournament that they said we couldn’t.

“Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something.  Not even me.  You got a dream, you gotta protect it.  When people can’t do something themselves, they’re gonna tell you that you can’t do it.  You want something, go get it.  Period.”

-Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

The summer between 8th grade and freshman was a disaster.  My “girlfriend” broke up with me.  It was hardly a relationship.  We held hands once or twice and never hung out.  I wasn’t able to talk with my actual friends from junior high either.  So, I tried hanging out with the popular kids again.  I decided to do football, which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  I made it through all of the summer practices except the last one, when I got tackled by a huge junior lineman.  My back was thrown out and I could not function.  I had to quit football.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and we entire high school.  The kids who played football gave me so much crap for quitting.  They would walk by me in the halls and call me out.  They’d scream in my face “quitter.”  Even some of the coaches, who were teachers, did the same.  My depression slowly got worse again.  I was in band all through junior high, but high school band was so much different.  I made several new friends that were a couple years older than me and I started a separate band with them.  We weren’t very good and we only played a couple of shows.  We had a great time. I also played tennis and made quite a few friends there too.  All throughout freshman year, I had several different crushes.  Every time I asked one out, they would say “no.”  Rejection became a normal thing, and I didn’t think much of it.  I was rejected to my freshman homecoming and by 3 other girls.  I also got used by a senior girl from another school.  She would pick me up after school and always wanted me to make-out with her.  I hated it.  I felt like trash.

The summer between freshman and sophomore year was good, so I thought.  My best-friend had broken up with her boyfriend of a year or so and was onto me.  We were constantly together.  I thought this was going to work out.  I was proven wrong when she said “yes” to some other guy the first day of school.  I cried for days; I even climbed on top of building and almost jumped.  My depression was back.  Another “no.”

Sophomore year, my older friends started blowing me off.  They were all seniors now.  My band teacher also bullied me more it seemed like.  The same thing happened with girls.  I did take a really close friend to homecoming though.  But still, more rejection.  At the end of the school year, I started seeing this one girl.  We became really close and started going on dates.

All summer long, I was with this girl off and on.  She was one of the most genuine people I had ever liked.  I asked her to my junior homecoming, and she said “yes.”  I felt encouraged to ask her out.  One night, I came to her house, dressed really nice and with flowers.  I pulled up and texted her to come outside.  Her entire family ran to the windows to watch what was going on.  She came out in her pajamas and I handed her the flowers and popped the question.  Do I even need to say what happened?  Another “no.”

I was legitimately heartbroken.  I thought to myself, “there must me something wrong with me.”  I decided that maybe it was the way I looked.  I made myself a deal to get in shape.  Not only to improve the way I looked, but to hang out with my friends who were in sports.  This was a huge mistake.  This was when it all spiraled downhill again in August of 2012.  This wasn't a choice to have an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety.  It all started as wanting to change a little bit to feel more accepted or find some sort of happiness.

WARNING: THIS MAY BE VERY TRIGGERING. PLEASE SKIP IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT EVEN BE SLIGHTLY TRIGGERED.

Junior year started.  I had gained a lot of weight from my football injury several years ago.  I decided to work out and maybe lose a couple pounds.  I started at 200, but I didn’t look like it is what many people said.  I started running a little bit in August and September.  By the end of September I began only eating a banana for breakfast.  I shed 20 pounds like it was nothing.  I thought “wow, I feel incredible.”  No one had noticed though.  I felt like I should keep going.

In October, I dropped another 10 pounds from running and restricting more.  I cut out breakfast entirely and began restricting on lunch.  My friends kept complementing me on how I looked and I loved it.  It only encouraged me to keep going.  From here on out, it got extremely ugly.

By November, I wasn’t eating breakfast or lunch.  I began a huge obsession with caffeine.  I drank coffee and green tea all day.  I also filled up on water.  I was running close to 50 miles a week all of November.  I thought I was on top of the world.  I also started seeing a girl, but my self-confidence was so low that I couldn’t bring myself to ask her out.  I just expected her to say “no” even though all of her friends kept telling me that I should just ask because she liked me a lot.  I missed my chance with a gorgeous girl with an incredible personality.

I had a chance to end it all here and stop it while it was easily fixable.  One of my friends, who had struggled with anorexia, realized what was going on and had told my mom.  I denied that any of this was happening and kept on in my ways.  I didn't think I had a problem.

In December, I was still running and restricting.  I began making excuses to skip dinner sometimes.  I lied to my family every single day.  I told my mom that I ate lunch.  I told my dad that I’d grab something was out and about.  I also made up this lame excuse for my running.  I told my parents that I wanted to do track.  They let me run whenever I wanted to.  Sometimes I would get up at four in the morning and run.  Sometimes I would run two or three times a day.  I thought I was in great shape.  I ended up stress-fracturing a growth plate in my left foot.  I also overstretched two tendons and bruised a muscle and two bones in my foot.  I had to get a boot to stabilize my entire foot and lower half of my leg.  I hit rock bottom, so I thought.

By the beginning of January, I had lost a quarter of my body weight.  My friends kept on complementing me.  The voice inside my head kept telling me to keep going.  I started running secretly on my broken foot.  I was obsessed with exercise.  I started going days without eating.  I didn’t even eat on my birthday.  I was becoming more depressed also.  I felt like I couldn’t do enough to make myself feel better.

I was already researching calories and body mass index online, but I had come across a new idea: laxatives.  I went to a local gas station and bought something.  Every time I took them, I thought that it brought on happiness.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I also went a week and a half without eating.  I was self-injuring too and contemplating suicide.  After a failed suicide attempt, passing a kidney stone, and passing out in the school’s bathroom within the matter of a week, I knew something was wrong.  I had to get help.

This was rock bottom.  I weighed a mere 130 pounds.  That seems like a lot to some people, but I’m a male that is 6’ 2” tall.  I sought help from my friends that had said something to my mom and they convinced me to tell my parents.  I was officially diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, social anxiety, and generalized depression.  I got help and entered treatment on March 6, 2013.  It literally saved my life.

THIS IS NO LONGER TRIGGERING

And this was all for some sort of happiness I thought I would find.  I thought I would gain so much out of just changing a little bit.  Instead, I lost all sense of security.  I lost trust.  I lost friends.  I lost any sort of actual happiness that I had.

I’ve realized that I have so much to live for.  I have incredible friends that have helped me get through this.  Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle every single day.  But without struggle, there is no progress.  I’ve realized that none of the stuff I previously mentioned even matters.  I thought I was happy.  I was so wrong.  Life is so much better when you don’t have to worry about calories in food or making excuses to exercise and being tired all of the time.  I have so much more energy now.

As far as being a perfectionist, I can’t help that.  I have realized through treatment that there is a huge difference between being a perfectionist and striving for perfectionism.  I’ve been trying the latter more often now and it has been working out much better than before.

Music keeps me going.  I’ve realized that I potentially have a future that I will enjoy.  I’ve played piano for 14 years, guitar for six years, and drums for four years.  I enjoy it.  I found happiness in life.  I’m currently in a new band and I love every minute of it.

Don’t suffer through this same misery that I have been through.  There is hope.  Life is so much better without any of this hanging over you.  Realize that you are loved.  Realize that you have something to live for.  You have friends.  You have people that care about you.  You have the ability to many great things.

LOVE YOURSELF